Spring Break

Spring Break is coming. For about half of it, the kids are home for doctor's appointments, laundry, etc. Theoretically there is also supposed to be interview for summer jobs... but I'm getting resistance. Living and working at home means "house rules." They get to keep what they earn, but they help out with chores (like laundry, dishes, cleaning their bathroom.)

Apparently, this is terribly unfair.

Whatever.

So, they are both looking for jobs on campus. It could mean that there will again be no kids in the home over the summer, if they go for jobs on campus. Jobs that will pay about 1/2 of what they can get locally. But... jobs on campus are closer to friends. And there's freedom.

I pray a lot that they will trust us more. That they will come to us with their hurts and worries. What they don't know is that I found a "secret" Tumblr account where there are regular tags that say "fuckyoumother" and "fuckoffdad." Over Christmas, someone did an update to their Tumblr on the kitchen computer, and apparently (deliberately?) left the browser history untouched.

I don't mind giving them privacy and room to grow. But I hate being thought to be stupid.

I talked it through with my therapist, who said, "if it's not illegal or harmful, let it go. Chalk it up to something THEY have to work through. Keep loving them."

I'm trying,

But right now, I'm really hurt.

Second verse... same as the first...

The second semester has started. The kids were home and we had a wonderful time. Lots of conversation, lots of laughter, lots of cookie baking and cake decorating...

And they are back out the door.

I was doing better for about a month (between Thanksgiving and Christmas) and actually tapered off my antidepressants.

Now I'm back on them.

The worst part is that the kids don't call or email. Not unless they need something. it's as though once they leave, they leave and they don't realize...

I am trying to balance my work hours and home hours. I'm exercising. I'm using the light box. I'm trying to keep my eyes and heart on God and the ministry.

But I've got to tell you... it fucking hurts.