Depression

It's official. I'm depressed. 

I went to my doctor because it's been long enough that I "should" be better. I "should" not cry at the drop of a hat. My sadness is making people uncomfortable. So I stuff it. I hide in the bathroom and weep and then wash off my tears and go back to being "professional."

Screw you all. And THANK YOU so very much for not having the chops to take care of the Pastor when SHE needs taking care of.

And yes, it appears that in addition to sadness, I have anger boiling inside me, too. Lovely.

Yesterday I had coffee with a friend we've known since the girls were babies. Her youngest went to college for his freshman year last year. I finally had the courage to ask her - "Did you get depressed? Does it get better?"

She said, "First, yes it does get better. And second, yes, I was (and still am) depressed."

And we talked about medications and doctors and perhaps I need to talk to mine about drugs. I made an appointment while we sat in the park, drinking out coffee, while she handed me tissues, and went to see her after lunch. 

Her response was no meds - yet - and to talk to people about my feelings.

I told her that when I talk to people about my feelings, they immediately jump to "FIX IT" mode and don't want to hear how I feel.

She said, "Yes, that's a problem." (YA THINK???)

I see my Spiritual Director next week. We will talk more about this. And maybe I will take some baby steps back to feeling less raw, less edgy, less out of equilibrium.

One can only hope. In the meantime, I guess I will write angry, depressed blog posts and try to find creative outlets.

When I couldn't sleep last night (Oh, hello insomnia, too? LOVELY) I came up with new lyrics to a song from my childhood, "Sound of Silence."

Hello depression, my Old Friend.

I've come to sit with you again.

Because for reasons that I cannot see,

You've decided to move in with me.

And the darkness that fills my soul is real, very real.

Inside our house that's silent.

I have tried to keep with new routines

Because the old ones do not meet our needs

And I find that I am constantly

Searching for a place to find consistency

There is nothing that makes any sense at al, not this fall

Inside our house that's silent.

And the people all just shrug

And say that I must "need" a hug

And they offer simple platitudes

Of ways that I can "make my self" feel good

Their suggestions simply make me feel so sad, very sad

Inside this house that's silent.

So it's off to work I go

Pretending I have an inner glow

For our children who are grown and gone

When I've love to steal back one last dawn

Watch them take their backpacks and head to school, head to school

Not have a house that's silent.

Sung to 'The Sound of Silence"